


These Thoughts Consume the Best of Us

by thefishismine



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, One Shot, Other, Short, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-14
Updated: 2015-10-14
Packaged: 2018-04-26 07:23:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4995493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefishismine/pseuds/thefishismine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>BJ attempts to comfort Hawkeye during an emotional night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Thoughts Consume the Best of Us

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first M*A*S*H fic on here! It's quite short and it may be slightly OOC.

A creaking noise from the adjacent bunk pulled BJ from his light slumber. 

“You okay, Hawk?” he asked sleepily. The cot gave another creak as Hawkeye turned restlessly. BJ heard a sharp intake of breath and he rolled over to face his bunkmate. 

“Hawkeye?” he asked again, a bit hesitant. BJ squinted through the darkness of the tent and stared for a moment at Hawkeye’s shadow before turning on the lamp above his head. Hawkeye was facing away from him. He was curled into a ball and his shoulders were shaking with silent sobs. BJ slowly got up from his bunk and made his way across the tent. He put a gentle hand on Hawkeye’s back and sat on the edge of his cot. 

“Hawk, what’s wrong?” Hawkeye sniffled before letting out a short, bitter laugh. 

“That’s a loaded question.” 

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” There was an uncomfortable silence before Hawkeye mumbled something under his breath. 

“Sorry, I couldn’t hear what you…”

“I said I’ve been thinking about it.”

“Thinking about what?”

“It! The big it! You know, it!” 

BJ had grown accustomed to his friend’s emotion-fueled ramblings over time but this one left him completely puzzled. Hawkeye let out a frustrated sigh and turned to face BJ for the first time. For a second, he was struck by how old his bunkmate looked. His tear-stained face sagged with exhaustion and his eyes were dull and glazed over. Hawkeye looked into BJ’s eyes for a brief moment before focusing his gaze on his arm.

“I’ve been…thinking…about how easy it would be. To escape.” His voice dropped to a near whisper. “Sometimes I’m in the OR and I see that scalpel lying there, and I think to myself…if I really wanted to, I could get out of here.”

BJ felt his stomach drop at his words. He struggled to think of the right reply. 

“Sounds crazy, doesn’t it?” Hawkeye made eye contact with BJ once more. “Doctors are supposed to save lives, not take them. I think the rule still applies when I’m talking about myself.”

“So what’s stopping you from doing it?”

Tears began to roll down Hawkeye’s cheeks again. He looked away from BJ, seemingly embarrassed. “My father. It would tear him up…”

“And not just him,” BJ whispered. Hawkeye sat up in his bunk and rubbed his palms across his eyes.

“God, Beej, what’s wrong with me?” 

BJ placed his hand on Hawkeye’s back once again. 

“You’re not crazy. In a way, you’re saner than most of us. At least you’re looking for a way out.”


End file.
